So I received some spam today and thought, “what the hell,” and responded. Note, the number I gave for my “assistant” is the United States FBI’s main contact number. 😉

Mr. Nasir:


First I apologies if my email has evaded your privacy , kindly permit me as I have no other option than to use this quick ,although insecure medium to present my proposition for your kind consideration..

You had me at hello. Though I’m not sure what “evading my privacy” entails. Perhaps you meant, “evading my privates” – in that case your regret is understandable, though take heart: you need only ask and I’ll attach pictures of my genitalia to my next reply. If you’d like, I’ll also throw in a bonus picture of my anus. While I don’t believe in anal bleaching, I’m very thorough with personal hygiene, so I don’t believe my “brown eye” will be quite as brown as you might expect.

I am Mr. Nasir Uddin a Bangladesh National. I am searching for a reliable and trustworthy foreigner who will partner with me in the actualization of a Multimillion dollar Asian Development Bank (ADB) financed Natural Gas project. Details of this project will ge disclosed on your expression of Interest. It is economically viable.

Oh, certainly. I’m definitely a trustworthy foreigner. A wealthy, fast-moving, trustworthy foreigner. While I’m quite experienced in brokering natural gas projects (baked beans – ammiright?), my focus is on actualization of dollars. Millions of them. With such a distinguished name as “Asian Development Bank”, I’m sure my money and I will have prompt and personalized attention. As trustworthy a foreigner as I am, I would expect nothing less.

You can call me at +1-855-835-5324. I’ll be happy to provide any personal information you need to begin immediately. Please trust my assistant and give any information asked of you. We move very quickly on gaseous deals. Your complete cooperation is crucial to timely actualization.

Your quick reply will be appreciated.

Oh, I’m certain of that. Fortunately for you, I am quite fast-moving as I mentioned above. I hope my less-than-ten-minute response is fast enough. Please call my assistant immediately and be sure to state your intentions right away, since mine is a large company and, if you don’t get straight to the point, your call may be mis-routed. It’s very important that you tell my assistant exactly who you are and what you’re calling about, then answer every question asked of you.

I can’t wait to do business with you.


  • Joshua Nozzi

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