UUID As Last Name

People have trouble with their last names (surnames, family names, whatever you call them in your part of the world). Spelling them over the phone, pronouncing them, being misidentified by them because they’re not unique enough. For all the complaining, I propose action that wouldn’t solve this problem, but would at least make it fun. What if we were to change our last names to a UUID? Let’s explore.

What is a UUID? It’s a “Universally Unique Identifier” and it looks like this: B9140944-4EA0-4C67-8B1E-DFCC7443D68B

Were I to become “Mr. Joshua L. B9140944-4EA0-4C67-8B1E-DFCC7443D68B,” I would no longer be confused with others. For those with offspring, your family would be uniquely identified. You Smiths would no longer need to tell people “No, we’re not related to those Smiths.” Mail couldn’t possibly wind up in someone else’s mailbox. There would be no confusion over how to pronounce it unless you wanted there to be. That brings me to the fun part. Think of all the situations where becoming Mr. B9140944-4EA0-4C67-8B1E-DFCC7443D68B would be advantageous.

Take telemarketers for example. Remove your telephone number from the National Do Not Call Registry and welcome telemarketers into your life. If they make it past the name on the screen without assuming it’s an error, they’re showing spunk (or desperation). Time to knock them down a peg.

Telemarketer: “Hello, is this Mr. … B9140944-4EA0-4C67-8B1E-DFCC7443D68B?”

** Me:** (sigh) “You’re saying it wrong.”

** Telemarketer:** “I’m sorry, Mr. buh-nine-one-four-zero-nin…”

** Me [angrier]:** “Oh.

** Telemarketer:** “I’m sorry?”

** Me [yelling, now]:** “Oh. OH! Buh-nine-one-four-OH-nine… Christ, are you illiterate?”

… and so on.

What of social situations?

** Subservient:** “May I call you Josh?”

** Me [sternly]:** “No you may not.”

Think of the DMV. Those smug counter dwellers with their line-to-get-a-form-to-stand-in-the-form-submitting-line-to-get-a-ticket-to-stand-in-another-line lines should get a taste of their own complicated bullshit. Filling out the form for “B9140944-4EA0-4C67-8B1E-DFCC7443D68B, Joshua L.” may be tedious for you, but imagine the fun as they work out how to fit “B9140944-4EA0-4C67-8B1E-DFCC7443D68B, Joshua L.” onto a driver’s license. Bonus points if their computer systems don’t allow that many characters in the last name field.

Imagine becoming famous some day. Think of all the billboards and advertising for your latest movie, book, TV series, interview, etc.

Finally (in the heaviest sense of the word), imagine your tomb stone. Just how do tomb stone engravers handle word-wrap?

Here Lies Joshua L. B9140944-4EA0-4C67-8B1E-DFCC7443D68B. May he find his way to the golden gates on the wings of doves.

The mind reels with possibilities.

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